Bats, Oompa Loompas and Aliens. Oh My.
The summer film season is kind of like the shopping mall Santa. Each year it creeps up in our calendars, suddenly pouncing on us days and weeks ahead of when we expect it. One day, we'll no doubt be sitting on Santa's lap with shorts on, sweating in 99 percent humidity, and likewise catching an overrated Will Smith "summer" blockbuster at the drive-in parked in a snow plow.
But in the case of movies, that's not a bad thing. Fall and the beginning of spring is a dumping ground for Vin Diesel and Sandra Bullock projects. That's not to say that anything released in warm weather gets a free pass. Seriously, have you seen the preview for "Herbie: Fully Loaded?" I thought someone slipped peyote in my coffee.
We've divided the big spring and summer releases into several categories. Sure, some of these flicks can be filed into more than one, but we've selected carefully for what makes the most sense. Here we go
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The nitty gritty: Opens May 6; Starring Orlando Bloom, Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson and Eva Green; Directed by Ridley Scott; Not yet rated
At first glance: Everyone's favorite metrosexual Orlando Bloom continues his hot streak as a blacksmith turned knight in this epic take on the Crusades. Sure, last summer's adventures were as disappointing as the new Budweiser Select, but Scott hasn't made a dud since "G.I. Jane."
"The Interpreter"
The nitty gritty: Opens April 22; Starring Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn; Directed by Sydney Pollack; Rated PG-13
At first glance: "The Interpreter" looks too smart and sexy for your typical fair weather release. Kidman stars as South African working in the United Nations as an interpreter, where she overhears an assassination plot. Penn plays some sort of U.S. agent whether it's C.I.A., N.S.A. or what have you, we do know there are three letters and a couple of periods. The underrated Pollack takes the reigns as well as a supporting role. Penn is the anti-Michael Keaton, carefully selecting roles with a calculating deftness. Now if he could just chill out a little
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
The nitty gritty: Opens July 15; Starring Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore, Helena Bonham Carter, David Kelly and Missi Pyle; Directed by Tim Burton; Not yet rated
At first glance: Yes, it's a remake, but Burton's take on the Roald Dahl classic supposedly adheres much closer to the source text than the 1971 version that Gene Wilder gallivanted through with striking ease. Few films have received as much speculation and anticipation in recent years. For a while even Marilyn Manson was rumored to have secured the Willy Wonka role that Depp eventually nabbed. Depp and 12-year-old Highmore starred together in "Finding Neverland," so the rapport is there. No word on whether Verne Troyer is playing an Oompa Loompa. But there is no doubt that the high-pitched "Willy Wonka" theme from the preview will be trapped numbingly in our heads until July 15.
"The Island"
The nitty gritty: Opens July 22; Starring Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou, Steve Buscemi, Sean Bean and Michael Clarke Duncan; Directed by Michael Bay; Not yet rated
At first glance: It looks intriguing as the screenwriters rode Dolly the Sheep into the future to offer their two cents on the whole stem cell hubbub. McGregor and Johansson play two unwitting human clones who are simply kept in a futuristic facility waiting to act as spare parts for their "real" human likenesses. But seriously, let's just hope Michael Bay doesn't lay another egg. Bay is the same overzealous director who led "Pearl Harbor" and "Armageddon." We know he'll get the explosions right, but the characters are another question.
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The nitty gritty: Opens June 17; Starring Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Ken Watanabe, Gary Oldman, Rutger Hauer, Tom Wilkinson, Cillian Murphy and Katie Holmes; Directed by Christopher Nolan; Rated PG-13.
At first glance: Director Joel Schumacher and actors Val Kilmer and George Clooney tried to kill Batman with campy charm. And they did their damn best. I won't even mention Arnold's laughable Dr. Freeze or Chris O'Donnell's highly effeminate Robin. That's why the "Batman" prequel shouldn't be called "Batman Begins," but something more fitting, such as "Batman Resurrection." Director Christopher Nolan made a name for himself with "Memento" and Bale is much better than the title role's predecessors, even if "Reign of Fire" is among his credits. Basically, there's no way this flick will be a pile of guano (a.k.a. bat poop).
"Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith"
The nitty gritty: Opens May 19; Starring Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Ian McDiamrid and Samuel L. Jackson; Directed by George Lucas; Not yet rated
At first glance: Oh yeah, the final "Star Wars" flick is coming out this summer too. Any other summer, it would be atop the marquee. But considering the depth of this season's contenders combined with disappointing, heavy-handed C.G.I. featured in the last two prequels, and expectations can't match the fevered pitch of May 1999. Described as the darkest and most somber of the series, this is where Anakin Skywalker finally gives into the peer pressure of the Dark Side cause everybody's doing it. It's like an after-school special shot into the future.
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The nitty gritty: Opens June 27; Starring Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Tim Robbins, Miranda Otto and James DuMont; Directed by Steven Spielberg; Not yet rated
At first glance : H.G. Wells' classic radio piece is getting a pretty big facelift. Even Joan Rivers is jealous. Not only is the broadcast getting the most popular movie star of the past couple of decades in Tom Cruise, but it's also getting the golden touch of Spielberg. The trailers and teasers don't unfold much and Robbins is the only other big-name star. But Spielberg doesn't make bad movies "The Lost World: Jurassic Park" never happened. It never happened
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
The nitty gritty : Opens April 29. Starring Martin Freeman, Mos Def, Anna Chancellor, Sam Rockwell, Alan Rickman, John Malkovich and Warwick Davis; Directed by Garth Jennings; Rated PG
At first glance: In an age where every movie seems to be adapted from a video game or comic, it's nice to see an adaptation from the most primal source material: Books. Brit Douglas Adams penned this comical tale about intergalactic hitchhiking and the cast surely is an eclectic one. Freeman starred in the BBC's "The Office" before signing up for the indie hit "Shaun of the Dean." Rockwell headlined "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind." And Rickman and Malkovich are consummate supporting players. This is one of the few family-friendly flicks that also looks guaranteed to elicit harmless guffaws.
"The Brothers Grimm"
The nitty gritty: Opens July 29; Starring Matt Damon, Heath Ledger, Monica Bellucci and Peter Stormare; Directed by Terry Gilliam; Rated PG-13
At first glance: Damon and Ledger play a couple of con artists who hop around villages destroying beasts and monsters that don't really exist. Of course one day their faux reputation lands the matchstick men in a job that requires them to actually do what they claim. Although the casting of pretty boys Damon and Ledger caught the ire of some blokes, Director Terry Gilliam should make this flick come alive, having proved himself as a magic maker with the likes of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and "Times Bandits."
"The Bad News Bears"
The nitty gritty: Opens July 22; Starring Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear and Marcia Gay Harden; Directed by Richard Linklater; Not yet rated
At first glance: The original "Bad News Bears" made the rules for kids sports flicks. There always has to be a fat kid, a tomboy, an all star, a nerd, etc. And while Thornton is a great choice for Coach Buttermaker, did this movie really need to be redone? Classics should be left alone. Expect "Bad Santa 2" from Thornton, which means you should stick the kids in front of a "Bob the Builder" video before you head out to the theater.
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The nitty gritty: Opens May 13; Starring Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, Mike Ditka and Kate Walsh; Rated PG
At first glance: Ferrell plays a dad and new soccer coach trying to deal with his own father's over-competitive nature until he finds himself becoming the man he once despised. Of course, Ferrell's team comprises rejects and castaways, but the previews make it look infinite times better than the likes of "Ladybugs" and "Hardball." Hopefully the SNL alumnus will stick to his original schtick and not get bogged down in some screenwriter's lame, hackneyed jokes. And hopefully we'll see Frank the Tank.
"Bewitched"
The nitty gritty: Opens June 24; Starring Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell, Shirley MacLaine, Michael Caine, Steve Carell and Jason Schwartzman; Directed by Nora Ephron; Not yet rated
At first glance: Rather than a straight-up adaptation of the 1960s sitcom, the screenwriters are throwing a curveball as the flick follows the making of a "Bewitched" sitcom that unknowingly casts an actual witch for the lead. It seems pretty clever, but so did the premise of "Saving Silverman." It will be interesting to see the chemistry between funnyman Ferrell and the dramatic Kidman. But then again if Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltrow could coexist in "Shallow Hal," anything is possible.
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The nitty gritty: Opens June 3; Starring Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger, Craig Bierko and Paul Giamatti; Directed by Ron Howard; Rated PG-13
At first glace: If it looks like an Oscar and smells like an Oscar chances are Martin Scorsese isn't anywhere close to it. Sorry, low blow. But seriously, tossing Crowe, Zellweger, Giamatti and Howard into the same bowl of cinematic chowder is at least a recipe for a Golden Globe or a People's Choice Award. Crowe plays real-life boxer Jim Braddock, a down-on-his-luck fighter and family man trying to scrape by in the Great Depression. But then he's given another chance and an inspiring underdog story emerges. Zellweger is skinny this time around; her stomach must be more confused than Richard Simmons' leg hair follicles.
"The Wedding Crashers"
The nitty gritty: Opens July 15; Starring Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Rachel McAdams, Christopher Walken and Will Ferrell; Directed by David Dobkins; Not yet rated.
At first glance: Vaughn and Wilson star as past-their-prime womanizers preying on vulnerable single chicks at anonymous weddings. Oh, and theyre not invited to any of these weddings, hence the term "crashers." Vaughn has played the same brash, BS-talking characters in each of his movies and Wilson is just as loopy. Basically, there's no straight man here to bounce the jokes off, but that's OK. Add a Walken/Ferrell one-two punch of eccentricity and the movie has definite potential to sneak up on the big action flicks a la "There's Something About Mary" in the summer of '98.
"Dark Water"
The nitty gritty: Opens July 8; Starring Jennifer Connelly, Ariel Gade and John C. Reilly; Directed by Walter Salles; Rated PG-13
At a glance: Horror movies haven't been this popular since the drive-in era. Most are unforgettable fluff starring 20-something UPN castaways, but a few stick. And "Dark Water" has the pedigree to make some box office bank as it hails from the pen of "Ring" scribe Koji Suzuki. Not surprisingly, it looks pretty familiar to the creepy hit and even has the trademark little kid who splits time scribbling on paper and talking to ghosts. But that "Itsy Bitsy Spider" tune has to go.
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The nitty gritty: Opens June 10; Starring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Adam Brody, Anjela Bassett and Vince Vaughn; Directed by Doug Liman; Not yet rated
At first glance: Pitt and Jolie play two married assassins. They don't find out each other's dirty little secret until they're hired to kill each other. It will probably be Jennifer Aniston's and Billy Bob Thornton's favorite movie of the year, but they may be the only ones with rave reviews. Why don't they just call this thing "Ballastic: Smith vs. Smith?" Of course, if you don't get that reference to the 2002 crapfest "Ballastic: Ecks vs. Sever," you sleep better than me at night. To make it worse, Jolie and Director Liman often fought on the set. I think we can now make it official that Jolie is to movies as Mariah Carey is to music. No, that's not a compliment.
"Doom"
The nitty gritty: Opens August 5; Starring Karl Urban, The Rock and Rosamund Pike; Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak; Not yet rated
At first glance: It's a movie based on a sequel to a video game ("Doom III"). Ugh, that has to be a first. And considering that the type of people who play "Doom" only leave the house when they have to take out their parents' trash cans or conduct their paper route in their parents' mini van, who knows how it will perform in theaters. Quick question: When former wrestler and rising action star The Rock goes out to dinner with his family, does he gave his stage name to the hostess? One day I want to be at "Olive Garden" and hear "We have a table for three for The Rock" blasted over the loudspeaker.
"Fantastic Four"
The nitty gritty: Opens July 8; Starring Chris Evans, Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis and Julian McMahon; Directed by Tim Story; Not yet rated
At first glance: They may be Marvel's first family of comic superheroes, but the cast of "Fantastic Four" looks like it was ripped from "TV Guide." Chiklis, Alba and McMahon made their acting chops as TV stars. The reportedly CGI-heavy flick will likely be a poor-man's "X-Men" at best. But I'm sure some fast food chain will be happy to plaster Mr. Fantastic, the Invisible Woman, the Human Torch and The Thing on soft drinks and burger wrappers.
"Herbie: Fully Loaded"
The nitty gritty: Opens June 24; Starring Lindsay Lohan, Michael Keaton, Matt Dillon and Breckin Meyer; Directed by Angela Robinson; Not yet rated
At first glance: At first I thought it was a joke. There really can't be a movie coupling a "living" Volkswagen Bug and "US Weekly's" favorite eye candy, Lindsay Lohan can there? (Somewhere there's a headlight joke there.) It's a more unintentionally comical pairing than a talking sports car and David Hasselhoff. And get this plot: Herbie becomes a NASCAR competitor, so expect lots of stiff cameos from the likes of Jeff Gordon and Junior.
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