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Week of Fortune

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

At long last, Virgo, it's your birthday month. It's too bad you've already exhausted everyone around you with your constant need for attention. Try giving something back this week … other than just nasty asides and ill-timed retorts. Smile, be kind and yield the right of way. Maybe then you'll actually get a decent gift.

 

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

You think you're smooth, sexy and a true player. In reality, you nauseate those around you. Clean up your act, Libra. Shave the appropriate places, iron your shirt and try combing your hair for a change. If you do, you might find what you're looking for.

   

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

It's all politics with you all the time, Scorpio. Too bad you keep making bad choices. And I don't mean Bush-bad; I mean you voted for Perot, pulled the lever for Nader at the last minute in 2000 and, worst of all, you gave money to Chris Dodd. It's that he/she "might-be-a-diamond-in-the-rough" mentality that keeps getting you in trouble, especially in relationships. Consider that this week, as you will likely meet a "special someone" by week's end. Any normal person would turn around and run. Be normal this week.

 

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

You are clean, healthy, well liked, attractive and educated, which means you shouldn't have to deal with stinky, socially inept, and physically unattractive people. Just like that guy in IT who gives everyone the creeps, and who you say cruel things about when he isn't around. Little did you know he installed a webcam in that Magic Eight Ball he gave you for Christmas. There it sits above your desk taking it all in, streaming live on the net. Pick your nose much?

 

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

Some say there is nothing called fate, or destiny. But if there were, with the path you are on, Capricorn, your fate would involve living in a dirt floor shack with thirteen screaming children who took brat lessons from Beelzebub, a pet dust mite and a spouse you can't remember ever liking. At least you've been warned, Capricorn, change your ways. Or else.

 

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

There are some in this town who find you stupid, boorish, clumsy and unattractive both inside and out. You will run into these people nearly everywhere you go this week. They will grit their teeth and say hello, duck their heads and beat feet to get away from you. Your self-esteem will plummet; your net worth will decline, due to circumstances outside your control and you will gain three pounds in sympathy with your depressed neighbor who is going through a painful divorce. Make the most of it, Aquarius, sometimes the gloom is all you get.

 

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

There you are on a first date with a person you've been hot for months. You look good, the food is good, the wine fabulous, there are candles, there is soft music, your date is sexy, talkative, charming. Suddenly you feel awful. You are having an allergic reaction to the hornet that stung you earlier in the day. Your throat is closing up, you start to choke and cough. You look like a bleeding idiot in expensive clothes and good shoes, with fine wine and spittle flying out of your mouth as you turn several colors of red. The good news is that this balances your karma. Clean slate ahead -- but your date? Say goodbye to love and nooky.

 

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

True to the roots of your astrological sign the ram, your strength is impeccable. But as far as your little billy-goat-gruff mind is concerned, the lights are on but ain't nobody home. This week, always think before you speak. Otherwise, you could be having a "foot-in-mouth" sandwich for breakfast, lunch AND dinner.

 

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

Remember, dear always-accepting-responsibility Taurus, you must refrain from blaming yourself for the ignorance of others around you, for it will not be your fault once natural selection takes its toll. And by toll, we mean go ahead and push Mr. "I'm so important -- look at me as I drive my BMW and talk on a blue tooth 24/7" off the side of the road when he cuts you off in line. Hey, if he's so important, he should have a team of brown-nosing schmucks to help him recoup quickly.

 

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

You may be questioning your decision to spend all day out on the rocks at Belle Isle this past weekend. And you should. Because it's a fact, dear Gemini, you stink. You stink worse than the sewage tanks that run beneath Tiki Bob's Cantina on 10-cent taco night. And that's just foul. The stars advise you to stay in and shower as much as you can this week. They aren't called "personal days" for nothin'.

 

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

You are a perpetual non-signaler. And it's going to cost you this week with no exceptions. Whether it's to parallel park or turn left or right -- you better SIGNAL. Fail to do so and you will lose your Ukrop's Valued Customer Card, they will discontinue any form of White Chicken Salad and your house will be pillaged and robbed. That's how serious we are, Cancer. As serious as a heart attack -- or a deadly disease.

 

Leo -- July 23 to August 22 You've been working hard for months and, at long last, it's going to pay off. Only not in the way you think. You might get a promotion at work, but you're about to lose everything else around you … your keys, your shoes, your car and, maybe, just maybe, even an index finger. Be careful this week.