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Week of Fortune

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

 

There's nothing worse than being in over your head. And yet you wake up in his/her bed every morning without knowing why. Kill off your hope with thought clarifying liquor and get out quick. Or stay sober and be "rational," see how that works for you.

 

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 1

 

Your job sucks, you are unhappy, not inspired, not appreciated and underpaid. Quit, make a huge wallowing production of it. Finally say all those things that have been eating up your insides for months. You might even inspire some co-workers.

 

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

 

Holidays for some people equal depression, despondency, unfun. If you have a friend like this, take them out to dinner, just you two. Talk, no phones, no blackberries, no interruptions. A gift.

 

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

 

You will go to a Christmas party. You will get drunk. You will want to sleep with the host. But you'll just end hungover and lying in a pool of your own liquor-smelling drool.

 

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

 

The sky is falling. Believe the worst of everything you hear and act accordingly. See how that works for you.

 

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

 

Love is a lie, trust is an illusion and commitment is another word for "SUCKER!" You know this in your heart, but your head comes between you and the truth. What are you going to do about it?

 

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

 

Christmas bonus? Ha, that's a good one boyo. There ain't no bonus, there might not even be a job. Tell your loved one your deepest fears and insecurities, and ask for help. Just kidding. Go get drunk with co-workers and concoct revenge scenarios of increasing complexity and lethality until one of them becomes a plan.

 

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

 

There is an alarm clock ticking in your veins. You want children, money, stability, a future and you want it damned soon. You can try knocking off liquor stores, or you could simply sit on your ample ass and try online dating. Make sure to concoct a profile based on exquisite lies and use a fake picture.

 

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

 

Try this experiment: for one day, one whole entire day, tell the truth. See how that works for you.

 

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

 

In elevators, at work, shopping, in restaurants, coffee shops, at the gym – everywhere you go there are throngs of people, yet you are utterly lonely. To counteract this, do something so outrageous, you will blush thinking about it. It might involve random sex in a public place or punking a coworker.

 

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

 

Drive. Get in your car and go, leave your life. Drive as far away as you can. Stay overnight in a motel. Eat in diner, drink in a hole in the wall. See how that works for you.

 

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

 

Where before you have failed you will now succeed. This is not due to anything you have done or the strength of your character. In fact, you display an appalling lack of talent, grace and elegance. But you will succeed. Somehow.