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Week of Fortune

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

 

Saint Isidore of Seville is the patron saint of the Internet. Pray to Isidore to help you break your addiction to celebrity gossip sites, YouTube and online gaming. Pray also that you will finally stop receiving unsolicited letters from Nigerians.

 

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 1

 

The patron saint of gravity is Albert Einstein. Pray to Al that in the next year you will overcome the gravitational pull of black holes, such as self-loathing and despair, and be able to see things from perspectives other than your own. You might call it a more universal perspective.

 

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

 

Saint Jude is the patron saint of lost causes. Pray to him that gainful employment does not fall within his purview this year, that your love life isn't his domain and that he takes no interest in the affairs of our government.

 

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

 

The saint of healing is Saint Raphael. Pray to him that in the next year he will fix the economy, your broken heart, your sisterly affection for booze, your leaking showerhead and your lost integrity, not necessarily in that order.

 

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

 

Saint Anthony of the Desert is, strangely enough, the patron saint of basketmakers, butchers and gravediggers. Pray to him that in the upcoming year he will provide you with a basket for your blessings, a butcher for your fears and a gravedigger for your regrets.

 

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

 

Saint Lufthild is the patron saint of the homeless, hoboes and tramps. Pray to her that in the next year banks will no longer bundle securities, that interest rates will stay low and that mortgage companies will relax loan payback standards to prevent foreclosures. If none of that is possible, pray that she'll direct you to a homeless shelter.

 

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

 

Mary Magdalene is the patron saint of sinners. Pray that she will guide you on the path to making recompense for your sins. It'll be a long road, wear comfortable shoes.

 

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

 

The patron saint of bad weather is Saint Medard. Pray to him that in the new year your emotional weather report will be for clear skies, light easterly breezes and warm temperatures as far as the ontological eye can see. It might not hurt to pray also for a light hurricane season.

 

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

 

The patron saint of broken bones is Saint Drogo. Pray to him that in the new year the leg bone is connected to the hip bone, the hip bone to the backbone, the backbone to the neck bone and neckbone to the headbone. Pray as well that none get broken, severed, cracked or cooked.

 

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

 

Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska is the patron saint of mercy. Pray to her and pray to her, and pray some more that the sick receive medicine, that the poor are given aid, the weak gain strength, the faithless some hope and that we all get a government we can be proud of. Mercy, please.

 

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

 

The patron saint of sailors is Saint Francis of Paola. Pray to him that in the new year your troubles will go sailing on a wine dark sea, where they will meet Scylla and Charybdis, one-eyed Polyphemus and the Sirens, never to make a return journey.

 

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

 

The patron saint of disasters is Saint Genevieve. Pray that you will not need her aid in the new year. She is also the patron saint of Paris, so you might pray that she allow you to honor her in person.