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Week of Fortune

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

 

Dating rapper T.I. isn't really as good as that one video makes it seem. It's the little things you notice, really, like that he beats you.

 

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

 

Don't feel so bad about voting for Ron Paul. Wait, of course you won't. Just put on your bear costume and hold your sign that says "1738: Meltdown hypertext oral fixation," while dancing the Macarena outside World of Mirth until you feel all better. It will only be awkward when you run into a Larouche supporter doing the exact same thing.

 

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

 

Getting taken over by a media conglomerate can't be too bad. See inrich.com for more details.

 

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

 

Something that's just so funny will happen to you this week. Man, this thing is going to be hilarious. Forget about it.

 

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

 

While you're narrowing down your options as to what gang you want to join, the stars would like to remind you that they see tragedy in the future for both the Sharks and the Jets, and that you would have to learn a lot of dance moves to join either.

 

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

 

Your in-laws are coming over, and you know what that means: apparently you got married at some point!

 

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

 

Your search for a new secret identity is over: You are now Carlton Banksy, a rich, uptight young African-American who paints spectacular graffiti all over England.

 

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

 

There is no indication of facetiousness on the part of the constellations when they say that you should give "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones" another chance. It's bad, but parts of it are pretty awesome.

 

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

 

The owls are not what they seem.

 

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

 

Instead of reporting your fortune, the stars would like to use this space to apologize for the earlier slight against T.I.'s character.

 

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

 

We've had a lot of fun here today, folks, but let's get serious. Astrology is real. Consult a psychic today. Your life will be changed forever.

 

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

 

Your soul has been bought and paid for by small, small people. They feed you slumslop and tell you it's good for you. Sad days.