Ten Questions for Santa Claus
In an interview with Richmond.com last year, you stated that your favorite Christmas movie of all time was "Elf," starring Will Ferrell. My first question, Santa, is this: Really, "Elf?"
Nate, of course my favorite Christmas movie is "It's A Wonderful Life." I just, I don't know, around Christmas time I have to deal with a lot of press and sometimes I like to have a little fun with them.
Lying to the media? Santa, I think that classifies as naughtiness.
It's a little naughty, I admit.
What Hollywood depiction of you do you think is most accurate?
" Santa Claus Conquers the Martians ." That is, until Oliver Stone's "Claus" biopic comes out next year.
Social networking is big now. Tell me, Santa, are you on MySpace?
I'm not, but my band has an account.
Mexicans, in celebrating the birth of Christ, tell their children that the Baby Jesus visits them and brings them gifts. What do you think of that?
Well, that's stupid.
Santa, I think you're being a little insensitive.
Okay, but I mean, come on. Jesus grew up, obviously. It doesn't make any sense.
I think it's more of a matter of faith -- like how we're supposed to believe you're in all those malls at once, or that you can go everywhere in one night and fit through chimneys …
Sorry. That kind of thing just always bothers me because if people stop believing in me then I cease to exist. You understand. Here, have a Coca-Cola.
I'm good. So how do you fit through all those chimneys?
Cookie?
No thanks.
It's made with real Christmas cheer, no preservatives.
Sure, I'll take it. Is there anyone famous on your naughty list this year, someone that maybe readers wouldn't expect?
Mitch Albom. He knows what he's done.
How about locally? Mayor Wilder?
Doug Wilder actually celebrates a Winter Solstice holiday of his own invention. I'm told that the actual date of the event is kept a secret and that it invariably costs four times more than it's supposed to.
There have been some rather disturbing reports about certain associates of yours doling out a rather harsh and frightening brand of justice against naughty children, especially in the Netherlands. What do you say to these accusations?
Anyone under my employ outside of the United States is given a firm grounding in the culture and tradition of their assigned country, and they act accordingly. That's all I'm going to say.
It sounds to me like you're palling around with terrorists.
Well then, I can think of one naughty American boy who's getting a visit from the Krampus this year.
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