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Christmas Gets a Reboot

I have a pretty acute case of sad. In addition, I also suffer from SAD, aka seasonal affective disorder. In my case it presents as an antipathy to Christmas. In the past, this condition has caused me to be full of blustery good cheer, to partake in forced intimacy with people I'd not ever wished to be intimate with and to spend exorbitantly on things I neither liked nor understood.

Part of my allergic reaction to Christmas is how tacky it's become, all aesthetic heresy and wasteful appurtenances. Oh yeah, there's also some crazy story about a virgin giving birth. Nowadays, Christmas lasts far too long as it usually begins the day after it ends.

My best holiday seasons were spent out of the country in a land of abject poverty, where, although they had little, the locals were nonetheless grateful. The only happy people right now are the unknown recipients of Treasury largesse, they who caused this mess in the first place.

Essentially, these crooks stripped down to naked greed and incompetence and we showered them with gobs of cash for their trouble. The whole thing is easily as tawdry as a night at Club Velvet, only much less stimulating, so to speak.

So let's be honest here. The American conception of Christmas is dead; the Fezziwiggian glow has been snuffed out by layoffs, foreclosed homes, devalued stocks and the blood of the American economy (debt) spilling freely from all veins.

With that out of the way, allow me to help those of you still clinging to pre-economy-meltdown thinking. Here are a few ways to celebrate the season by capitalizing on the malaise of the times.

Sponsor a Republican

Poor Republicans, out of power, intellectually bankrupt and nothing left to cling to but the rosy Rovian dream of permanent majorities. Many conservatives have sponsored attempts to cure homosexuality with reorientation therapy, why not cure the less popular parts of conservatism in the same way? Conservatives will learn that global warming is real, that love (in the form of gay marriage) poses no threat to heterosexuality, that religious extremism infects Christians too and that Rachel Maddow is liberal, smart and sexy, but she is not bitter about it. So if you want to help someone this holiday season, go to revengeissweet.com and sign up to sponsor your favorite Republican.

Spine Transplants for members of Congress

For the last eight years Congress has suffered from a chronic condition -- spines limper than wet linguine. To judge by the bailout fiasco things have taken a drastic turn for the worse. Something need be done and quick. I speak of course of spine transplants for all members of Congress. What's that you say? Wouldn't handling so many insurance claims bankrupt the insurance companies? Feh, that's what we have a bailout for, Virginia! Keep in mind, that this cure would not be possible unless members of congress had such gold-plated health insurance programs, a luxury few normal Americans can partake of. The transplant spines are "donations" from blue collar workers who used their own bodies as collateral to take loans. The good news is that these donated spines are some order of magnitude stouter than the ones members of congress now have.

Adopt a Guantanamo Prisoner

People adopt sections of a highway, flower gardens and babies from foreign lands -- why not someone detained illegally in the notorious Guantanamo prison camp. Yes, for just pennies a day you could adopt a prisoner. For your donation you will receive a tear-stained transcript of their interrogation, photographs of your detainee taking exercise (kneeling, shackled and blindfolded, in a cage) and a personal letter signed by a Justice Department lawyer thanking you for your kindness. Of course, your detainees name, age, national origin and the reason for his detainment will all be redacted. You are, however, encouraged to send a care package. The following items are urgently needed: ice packs and Tiger Balm to soothe those bruises from the beatings … er… enhanced interrogation techniques, copies of the US Constitution, airmail stamps and an Arabic-to-English dictionary.

Take in Boarders

Have yourself a symbiotic Christmas, helping yourself while helping others. Laid-off Circuit City employees are facing a lean holiday season. That spare bedroom could be your golden goose. If you play your cards right you can let a room to the CC salesperson that sold you on a plasma screen TV. Set them to programming your Tivo. And wouldn't it be nice to have a knowledgable someone explain every button on that remote?

Fair warning though -- I have heard a rumor that Douglas Wilder will himself soon be out of job. You better get those rooms filled while you can.