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Pale Ails

He's a 100ish-year-old albino who likes classical music and deer blood. She's a quiet teen from a broken home who likes sweaters, ballet and alone time. Together, they make movie romance and suspense all at once!

OK, OK, I'm being a wee bit silly. But I just want to lay out the deconstructed facts of the new movie " Twilight " before I say it's probably the best movie it can be. And yes, that's a bit of a backhanded compliment.

"Twilight," based on the first book of the best-selling series by Stephenie Meyer, is not a bad movie. In fact, I can't imagine a better movie borrowing the "Romeo & Juliet" story and updating it with feuding supernatural posses, prom anxiety, a vampire baseball game and inserting it all in sunny Washington state.

I do give "Twilight" credit. Considering the audience and the "teen" romance theme (Edward is actually a youngish nonagenarian), it resists the urge to go the whiz-bang MTV choppy editing route, and actually pairs the ridiculous, overstuffed plot with sweet cinematography and some classic filmmaking chops. Credit Director Catherine Hardwicke ("Thirteen") and, for the most part, the actors' refreshingly restrained performances.

"Twilight" stars Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, a reclusive teen who moves from Arizona, where her mom is jet-setting around minor league ballparks with her new hubby, to the town of Forks, Washington to live with her dad (Billy Burke) who happens to be the town sheriff. At the local high, the friendly kids are more interested in Bella then she is in them … except for Powder, errr, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). Edward and his adopted brothers and sisters are a strange crew -- make that "coven" -- of oddly attractive loners who have all been taken under the wing by their pops, Dr. Cullen. (Strangely, the good doctor and his wife only appear to be a few years older than the kids.)

After Edward saves Bella from turning into a hood ornament in the high school parking lot one afternoon, their interpersonal friction slowly shifts to warm fuzzies. Soon secrets are shared and Bella learns that Edward has more in common with Count Chocula than your typical Big Man on Campus. And as it turns out, Edward isn't the only undead dude to get enraptured by Bella's scent.

Will Edward be able to deny his bloodlust to romance and ultimately protect Bella? Will Bella be able to trust a family full of vampires not to give her dialysis (half of it, at least) and mount her head atop the fireplace?

And will I be able to finish this review without one hacky "Lady & the Vamp" reference? Probably not. Damn.

Sometimes being the best movie you can be ain't good enough. If you're a fan of the books or you really like serious romantic fare and blood transfusions, you're in luck. Otherwise, "Twilight" is a very OK movie that has the chance to morph into something deeper and creepier in the coming big screen chapters.

"Twilight," checking in at 122 minutes, is rated PG-13 and is now playing nationwide.

Mike gives "Twilight" 2 stars out of a possible 4.

Mike Ward is a Richmond-based freelance writer and editor. Check him out at www.underdogcopy.com