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Week of Fortune

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

 

The stars understand how uncomfortable you are in your new place of employment, but wearing that "Snuggie" around should just make you more self-conscious. Creep.

 

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

 

The single life can't be too bad. Live it up! (By the way, you're getting dumped this week.)

 

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

 

Disaster at the Cosplay convention. You can't stop it, but you can avoid it. It's not worth risking life and limb just to see that one girl from your graphic novels class dressed as Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball.

 

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

 

Finish that novel you've been working on since you were a teenager. Sure, chubby British women with low-self esteem aren't really your thing anymore, but at least you can end all the lies at the lady's book club.

 

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

 

Your love life is like the financial system -- controlled by old men and frequently causing you to need bail money.

 

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

 

That zombie invasion your friend keeps warning you about may be a joke but at least humor him until the moment is right. Then make a move for some of those sweet, sweet brains of his you've been fantasizing about.

 

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

 

Start complimenting those around you instead of judging them. This is not particularly good advice for you, since you are a judge, but the stars work in mysterious ways.

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

 

The humor of the situation will not register for you when you wake up in a bathtub full of ice with your funny bone removed.

 

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

 

Release your inner nerd and embrace what has always embarrassed you. That nerd might not want to embrace you back after he's been trapped inside of you for so long, though. At least bathe him first.

 

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

 

Try to break a habit this week. However, the constellations indicate that it's a bad week to quit smoking, drinking, biting your nails, cocaine, tormenting your family members, stealing, sexual harassment and prank phone calls.

 

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

 

Winning the lottery has never worked for you and never will. Stop winning the lottery so often and give someone else a chance for once.

 

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

 

Your fight against "big science" will be more entertaining than Ben Stein's, but much less relevant. Try a few experiments before you decide that there's a conspiracy against your Flying Dogs Theory.