Turkey Jerky

For one day each year, we all pretend to like cranberries, turtlenecks and grandpa. Thanksgiving is here, and I want to help you all get in the holiday mood.

Cue up Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant." Trade your prescription Ambien for over-the-counter tryptophan. And lie about crying during the John Candy's homeless revelation in the final scene of "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." Just blame it on raw onions or CNBC's flat-lining stock ticker crawl.



The "reasons to be thankful" column is one of the hackiest bits of journalism this side of the "New Year's resolutions" column. That said, allow me to place a helicopter beanie capotain (The fancy name for "pilgrim hat") on my bald head and saddle up with my Myles Standish ventriloquist dummy, because I'm about to give you an extra side dish of cheesy mush to complement your Thanksgiving spread. Please take your chewable lactose pill and read on …

Like lambs for lions

If you've lost your job, if there's a Discovery Health film crew following your spouse, and if you just received a recall notice for your Geo Metro warning you not to trigger the ignition around UFO crash sites, things could still be worse. You could be the winless, hapless Detroit Lions, who are charged with putting on a football follies show for us every Thanksgiving. (Although next year they'll probably be playing at the Kia

Local flavor Cold leftovers Mayor L. Douglas Wilder was a ground-breaking politician. He has documentaries filmed of his landmark victories and lots of passport stamps from trips abroad to share his abundance of expertise. But what about all those projects he was gonna finish? I'm thankful he'll be leaving City Hall with a van full of denim suits, a Diamond Duck effigy and a Paul Goldman "Mission Impossible" rubber mask.  Mash it forward It's a pain enough figuring out where to stick the thermometer in your own pasty bird, but quite commendable to volunteer your day of family bonding for those who might not have a crazy uncle and an aunt who was a former burlesque dancer to share it with. A big shout-out goes to the volunteer army of chefs and servers who make The Giving Heart's Community Thanksgiving happen today at the Greater Richmond Convention Center. More than 700 volunteers who are all better people than me will prepare more than 3000 meals. "Not it" for dishes … Jailbirds If you miss out on the Giving Heart feast, just steal a car or swear under your breath in a Ukrop's parking lot. The Richmond City Jail is preparing 40 turkeys, 130 pounds of greens, 32 sheet cakes and 30 gallons of gravy for inmates. The bad news? You'll have to eat it all with a straw and rubber napkins. What goes with tofu turkey? OK, so Circuit City, LandAmerica, Qimonda and other local employers might be slicing away jobs with a sharp blade and a gigantic platter, but there is hope. Kosher Queen and hummus maker Sabra is building a manufacturing plant in Chesterfield that's expected to chip in 260 jobs. Now is your chance to finally realize your dream of becoming a garbanzo bean farmer. So please drive safely. Eat slowly. And if you're not sure to go with a hug or a handshake for that third cousin twice removed whose name you can't quite remember, grab her 'round the shoulders and hug her like you mean it. Because France has the bomb, and if the urine recycler takes down their bottled water industry, this time next year we could be eating duck in the sewers of a Cormac McCarthy novel.

Bowl instead of Ford Field). The Lions could beat the Titans. And mustaches could come back. Thank you Lions, for showing us that our lives do have hope and play-off potential.



Long drives and family bonding

In the moment, 14-hours drives to share a twin bed and see people we have less in common with than Scientologists seems sorta like a bad idea. But when viewed through a window of nostalgia and longing, nothing beats those picturesque, 500-mile pilgrimages through the Pennsylvania countryside on Route 15, slaloming between construction cones and Puritan adult novelty shops. Or those genuine family moments where sweet yet feisty Grandma finishes her second Brandy Alexander and proudly tells you how three planes were named after her during World War II: Freckles, Minx and Lil' Bit. And then everything makes sense and seems right in your world. This is that magic moment to hold onto. (And at least the planes names weren't Dimples, Cougar and Lotta Bit).



Falling fowl of the law

I'd love to thank PETA's investigative report on the tortuous treatment of big feathered birds at a West Virginia turkey farm. Apparently, the meat police hired "24's" Jack Bauer and sent him to take super secret footage of farmers throwing, kicking and punching turkeys. That's it? Knowing that my dinner fought valiantly amid mindless gobbling and aimless wondering is hardly an appetite suppressant. In fact, it makes me want more. If you want to gross me out, film a video of turkeys watching "The View" before they're brought to the slaughterhouse. Now that's torture…



A very Facebook holiday

While the social networking website owned the tween and teen crowd long ago, now my "Wonder Years," Swatch and slap bracelet generation has just recently been overpopulating the platform. I look forward to knowing the precise minute when my friends are eating yam casserole – and I'm going to comment on it! LOL! I want to see pics of bloated bellies immediately tagged and bagged. Maybe I'll even get a video posting of someone slicing apple pie. Or someone will send me a virtual turkey sandwich gift the day after. As for MySpace, well, you can go eat at the kids' table with the Detroit Lions.



No more dinner table time-outs …?

Just think, this time next year, we could finally have what Kevin Costner already perfected in 1995's "Waterworld." A NASA crew recently tested a $160-million refrigerator-size device that recycles urine, sweat and even breath back into quality H20. What's this mean for us? We could soon lose the ability to "excuse" ourselves during uber-awkward holiday meal moments. Looks like you'll either need to take up smoking or the family dog will get a lot of extra walks.   (And just because it's Thanksgiving, and kids might be reading over your shoulder, I'm self-editing out any quips about R. Kelly's parched girlfriends or recycled chocolate pie from this entry right here and now. You're welcome.) 

Mike Ward is a Richmond-based freelance writer and editor. Check him out at www.underdogcopy.com .