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Week of Fortune

Nosbrodamus
editor@corp.richmond.com
Published: October 17, 2008

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

Life at your new place, 420 High Street, isn't really as much fun as you anticipated -- there are all these drugs everywhere!

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

This week you should mostly be concerned about your home life, your job, the economy, climate change, gas prices, Iraq, terrorism and peak oil. You should be worried about whether or not you're forgetting any important issues, whether you're doing enough to help, whether anyone can really do anything to help, if our fates are predetermined and we're all going to die eventually anyway and how that obviously negates all meaning in life and who's going to win "America's Got Talent."

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

You've been staying up all night, abusing Adderall, and trying to write the space opera of the century. You haven't seen another human being in months, and you're running low on Saltines and cigarettes. Don't give up; the battle for the Concerta galaxy can't be won without the power of song.

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

You're upset that your editor never posted your piece, "Just a Series of Esoteric Pop-Culture References and Needlessly Offensive Jabs at Organized Religion." That's life in the world of journalism, friend-o.

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

Listen carefully to what Deborah Harry is rapping about in "Rapture." It must mean something.

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

Call the police. The horoscopes are coming from inside your house.

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

As you may have already guessed, the future for the Bridge to Nowhere lobby is only getting bleaker. Demand your money back and just keep taking the ferry to Alaska.

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

Don't take the Fat Larry's Challenge. You have so much to live for.

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

If you want to hang out at the water cooler, you're going to have to brush up on more current television programs. No one wants to hear about "Dallas."

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

You have Cancer.

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

You think you've found that perfect someone, but remember -- it's MySpace Australia now. The distance is way too great, and your parents hate Australians. Way to go, Rupert Murdoch.

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. You may ask yourself, "How did I get here?" And you may say to yourself, "My God, what have I done?"

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Entertainment

Week of Fortune

Libra -- September 23 to October 22 Life at your new place, 420 High Street, isn't really as much fun as you anticipated -- there are all these drugs everywhere!

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19 You're upset that your editor never posted your piece, "Just a Series of Esoteric Pop-Culture References and Needlessly Offensive Jabs at Organized Religion." That's life in the world of journalism, friend-o.

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18 Listen carefully to what Deborah Harry is rapping about in "Rapture." It must mean something.

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20 Call the police. The horoscopes are coming from inside your house.

Aries -- March 21 to April 19 As you may have already guessed, the future for the Bridge to Nowhere lobby is only getting bleaker. Demand your money back and just keep taking the ferry to Alaska.

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20 Don't take the Fat Larry's Challenge. You have so much to live for.

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21 If you want to hang out at the water cooler, you're going to have to brush up on more current television programs. No one wants to hear about "Dallas."

Leo -- July 23 to August 22 You think you've found that perfect someone, but remember -- it's MySpace Australia now. The distance is way too great, and your parents hate Australians. Way to go, Rupert Murdoch.

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22 You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. You may ask yourself, "How did I get here?" And you may say to yourself, "My God, what have I done?"