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Week of Fortune

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

 

You're bound to gag on a stale candy corn this week, even if you avoid 5-year-olds at all costs (which you should do, anyway). They always take too long at the Slurpee dispenser and they have this thing about squealing at chubby animals.

 

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

 

You will see a large nest this week … and you will leave it alone, even if it belongs to hornets. If it belongs to a bird, don't come within five feet of it unless you have a Slurpee. Unless of course, you want to be pecked to death. We feathered creatures did inspire a certain Hitchcock film, after all.

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

 

Donate $5 to your local park or nature center. Remember, they double as homeless shelters, too, so it's like donating to two charities at once! Two birds, one stone …

 

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

 

If you bought one of those nasty feather headbands for fall 2008 thinking you were all stylish, return it to the store now. How would you like it if somebody came and started plucking things out of your body? I mean, besides blackheads, which we owls don't get. And if we do, I wouldn't know because I've never seen my skin.

 

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

 

You will have bad luck all week. That's what you get for running over Mama Duck and her ducklings as they crossed the road. Interpret that literally or metaphorically, depending on how fast you drive.

 

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

 

You broke an egg. So what? Lay another.

 

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

 

You broke an egg. So what? It's your fault.

 

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

 

You meet a mysterious stranger in the night. What do you mean you already met me? Mutant owls aren't strange!

 

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

 

It's your time to shine, whether you're a bird or not. Take it and run with it.

 

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

 

You're not found of rats. Neither am I.

 

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

 

Cut your nails, no one likes when your talons are out of control.

 

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

 

Look to the stars tonight and you'll find your mate ... and your future.