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Week of Fortune

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

Your insistence on always calling "shotgun" before getting into a car will lead to a "boy-who-cried-wolf" situation on a limo ride with the Vice President.

 

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

Some of your loved ones are getting pretty sick of hearing "Black Betty" on repeat. Give it up or guard your possessions. Bam-a-lam.

   

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

A hail of meteors passed over the Scorpio galaxy this week, making it unclear as to whether or not you will be torn apart by rabid dogs or shown a tart by some avid frogs. One makes more sense than the other, though.

 

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

You will have a fantastic week, get a great deal accomplished, and maintain your already good relations with friends and loved ones. Your D 'n' D character, however, shall suffer a shameful and unheroic defeat at the hands of a vile Gorgon.

 

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

Your faith in astrology will be shaken to the very core this week when the thought randomly occurs to you that your fate is predicted not by the stars, but by a fourth-year undergraduate intern in Adidas.

 

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

Upon reading this, as with every time you check your horoscope, you will be unable to get that stupid song from "Hair" out of your head for the rest of the day. "Sympathy and trust aboooou-nding …"

 

Pisces -- February 19 to March 2

The stars have been saying some pretty mean things about you this week. They said you were a wimp, and that they wanted to fight. They also bragged about some sort of encounter they claim to have had with your significant other. I'm just telling you what the positions of the constellation indicate.

 

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

The heavens suggest that you and your life partner will make an important business decision this week, and that you and your business partner will make an important life decision this week. I think you know what they mean.

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

Turns out you're gay. And by gay I mean happy. Very, very happy.

 

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

Your daily routine will continue as is, without any interruption or upset of any kind, this week and for the rest of your life. Unfortunately the two are one and the same.

 

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

If someone calls you "both a wiener and a loser" this week, just keep in mind that that's way too clever of an insult to take seriously.

 

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

The position of the Messier 65 galaxy relative to the Messier 66 galaxy indicates that a trip to Old Navy will end disastrously for you this week.