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Week of Fortune

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

Avoid watching soap operas this week -- or else suffer month-long drama in your own love life! Yes, this includes indulging in O.C. re-runs. Don't fool yourself … or your lover may fool you. If you've already watched a soap, start checking your partner's recent call list now.

 

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

Chew a lot of gum, now, forever and always. The gods look upon good breath very favorably. Heck, you could even win the lottery this week! That quarter you spent on a gumball could be the best investment of your life. Just remember: standard mint is preferable. Zeus hates those cheap fruity scents.

   

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

Go shopping, buy a cute pair of shoes, dine at your favorite restaurant with your best friends, head to the movies for a cheesy flick, and return home for a long, relaxing bubble bath with a new book. You're going to remember this day fondly six years from now when you realize you haven't had one one-tenth as enjoyable since. Don't start dreading the next six years, though. Have fun first! Dread later.

 

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

You will meet a dark and mysterious stranger sometime over the next couple of days. Luckily, you'll even exchange numbers with said stranger. Unluckily, hours later, you'll realize you forgot to pay this month's phone bill. But don't bother giving said stranger your email address. Something spooky's bound to happen to your internet provider soon too.

 

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

If you wear socks this week, mark my words: you are doomed for the rest of your life. Gym teachers beware. My best advice is to burn every pair of socks you own so you don't risk putting them on by mistake one morning. You can always purchase some new ones, right?

 

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

Everyday this week, Jump up and down (and I mean, REALLY jump) 47 times after lunch until you vomit. You will then be cleansed of evil spirits for the next 47 days, but your cubicle floor will probably stink for twice that long. You choose: bad luck or bad stench.

 

Pisces -- February 19 to March 2

Ignore everyone in your life for the rest of the week and throughout the next two months, if not longer. No more annoying friends guaranteed! Of course, this also means no more pleasant friends either.

 

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

Six penguins, in some shape or form, will cross your path this week. If not, I'm a fraud and promise to pay you back every cent you paid to learn your fortune.

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

Look directly into the eyes of a big, tattooed, gold-toothed goon for five minutes straight, standing no more than 2 feet away from him. He will definitely punch your fillings out. What? You think I make these things up? At least you can sell the fillings! Solution to your economic troubles found!

 

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

You are the type to crave fame. Here is a proven trick to obtain your goal: stand in the street and throw dry kidney beans at everyone who passes you and then hand them your business card. Soon you'll be as famous as the Times Square cowboy (the guy who runs around in his underwear, strumming a guitar). No lie.

 

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

An old-time friend you haven't seen in ages will suddenly resurface. Pick up a brewsky and chat! No time for modesty. You don't have to mention the recent Botox injection. Accept the compliments on aging well and change the subject.

 

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

Pick up a new skill and become an expert fast. If you don't impress the gods next week, Hades is in the cards for you.