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Retail Rage

By now the news is out. The cat is out of the bag and everyone in the world got the memo. We, humans, are smack dab in the middle of the worst economic crisis ever in the history of mankind – nay, the history of any species anywhere ever.

At least since America's Great Depression which, if you think about it, probably wasn't that bad since most people were already poor and dirty and didn't know enough to miss it when they could no longer afford a $5 Starbucks latte .

It's all about perspective.

So here we are, knee-deep in hell and sinking. Which is why I decided to take a break from my usual weekend activities of rearranging canned goods in my fallout shelter and cowering in the corner of my living room trying to conserve heat.

Yes, this weekend I took a break and embraced my patriotic duty a la Bush 43 ; I went to the mall.

So just what does the all-American 21st century mall look like when all of its shoppers are home wringing their hands and waiting for the rain of fire to begin?

Packed. It looked packed. Throngs of shoppers, aka American consumers (the ones who are supposed to be holding onto their money, their homes and their jobs for dear life) were at the mall, in giant retail stores and they were shopping.

At least we were trying to. At store after store I and my fellow American consumers were trying to stimulate the economy with our own cash infusion and yet we ran into that classic (apparently economic-crisis immune) shopping roadblock: understaffed stores and terrible customer service.

So when the news came out today that consumer confidence was the lowest in history (I think that's what it said, there were a lot of numbers which made it confusing) it made me wonder, is it all I'm-one-pay-check-away-from-the-poorhouse related?

Of course, that's the bulk of it. We're all sitting around just waiting for our jobs to be dissolved, our homes to be repossessed and, worse yet, the same to happen to our parents (aka, our fallback plan). But what about for those of us who are still out there spending, albeit more conservatively?

Shouldn't there be some upside to this financial meltdown? And can't that upside be a return to decent customer service … or at least the acceptance on the part of retailers that, if spending has become optional in our economy, perhaps we consumers shouldn't have to chase down cashiers and bodily force them to allow us to spend?

I'm not asking that retail stores roll out a red carpet and greet me with a glass of champagne when I'm shopping (though I wouldn't be opposed to it). What I'm talking about is something much simpler than that.

I'm talking about Macy's , who reported a 59 percent drop in profits in the fourth quarter, and yet this past weekend I watched not one, but two sets of shoppers throw down their purchases in exasperation due to understaffing combined with one cashier who wouldn't get off the phone long enough to complete a transaction.  

I'm talking about Cashier Scissorhands at Target (reporting a 41 percent drop in sales) who, due to her nail length preference, is unable (or at least refuses) to touch or lift half of my purchases, forcing me to scurry around lifting bags of dog food and angling 12-packs of soda.

I'm even talking about Ukrop's . I'm long-since over the long lines and the illusion of baggers, what I'm asking for now is that, while I'm bagging my own groceries, can the teenagers at least not shove me out of the way to sweep around me and restock bags? Or perhaps the cashier could not glare at me as I hurry to finish my bagging?  

I get that retailers and business owners need to save money and so understaffing might come with the territory, but bad staffing? I know far too many people in need of jobs, many of whom at this point would gladly jump into retail.

So maybe this consumer confidence thing isn't all doom and gloom related. Maybe some of us are just fed up with long lines, bad service and retailers who still don't seem to care.

Wait, what am I talking about? It's all doom and gloom. We'll be on breadlines within the year.

What do you think, Richmond, are you fed up with bad service in shops and restaurants or are you too busy scouring couch cushions for loose change to buy groceries?