A Declaration … of Sorts
When in the course of a regular Fourth of July holiday it becomes necessary for the people to find creative ways to commemorate and cover the event, a desperate case of writers’ block requires that they invent an oppression from which they must declare emancipation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Richmonders are created equal, that we are all being oppressed by the City of Richmond (and surrounding suburbs), and that we are entirely kidding and any retribution sought by the city and counties will make us cower in fear, apologize profusely, and likely relocate. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid city.
He, Richmond, has refused to allow us to swim in Fountain Lake, when it is hot and we are afraid of the toxic James River and we don’t have any money to join a pool.
He, Richmond, has allowed gunfire and unrest to continue in the streets of the neighborhood we are helpfully trying to gentrify.
He, Richmond, has refused to allow the good stores to leave Short Pump. We, in the city and Chesterfield, want Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, Pottery Barn, West Elm and Dave & Buster’s. His refusal to allow these stores to migrate eastward has resulted in a forced subpar retail experience for citizens.
He, Richmond, has endeavored to force us to limit our parking to two hour intervals when clearly we need more time than that to shop in Carytown and not pay for parking at work.
He, Richmond, has teased us by having two really cool going out areas, Shockoe Slip and Shockoe Bottom, but has not offered us free places to park making it too hard to go there.
He, Richmond, has further impeded our ability to enjoy said neighborhoods by refusing to offer fun trolley service all over town.
He, Richmond, has erected weird roundabouts in random neighborhoods causing confusion when one is innocently trying to get to Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens.
He, Richmond, has obstructed our ability to always use our Check Card by having meters everywhere when no one ever has change anymore or, if we do, we only have pennies and the stupid meters won’t take pennies.
He, Richmond, has kept us hungry for new restaurants in our neighborhood by forcing all the new restaurants to open in the Fan or the Shockoes.
He, Richmond, has taken away fireworks at the Diamond when we loved them so much and don’t really care about baseball but we just need an alternative to Dogwood Dell.
He, Richmond, has allowed subpar public schools to run rampant through our city, forcing those of us willing to breed to abandon our homes and flee to the counties.
He, Richmond, might come after us for posting and writing this, in which case he is a BIG oppressor. If not, boy does he have a nice sense of humor.
Got a declaration of your own to share? Leave it in the comments below.
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