Can Esquire teach me "How to Be a Man?"
Esquire recently came out with an article about qualities that make "a man". Here are some highlights and comments:
A man is good at his job... It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.
I like this idea in that men are primarily defined by the fact that they are men, not that they are accountants or teachers or carpenters or musicians. Those are things we love, but they do not define who we are as men.
John Eldredge mentions this in The Way of the Wild Heart (Live)* that in a scene from the movie Open Range several guys mention that they can't do something because they are of a particular vocation. Kevin Costner's reply to them is, "You're men, ain't ya?"
Communication: A man listens. He can pound the table, take the floor. It's not that he must. It's that he can.
Men stand up for what they believe in. Men are not meant to be gutless invertebrates. And when they do stand up, violence is not a prerequisite. A real man is able to communicate gently as well as a forcefully.
Handling mistakes: A man owns up, grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not. A man can tell you he was wrong. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.
My translation: A man takes responsibility for his actions. He admits that his actions harmed others. And he knows that being right is not (always) more important than people.
Basic instincts: A man does not wither at the thought of dancing, but it is generally to be avoided.
I don't think I agree with this one.
When I went to see Reel Big Fish at The Flood Zone, I didn't enjoy the concert as much as I could have because I remained a wallflower the whole time.
On the other hand, when I saw Flogging Molly in Philadelphia and went slam-dancing, I had a blast. In fact, my only regret was that I didn't go out and slam-dance enough.
Mentoring: He passes along expertise, one man to the next. Know-how survives him.
Observation: A man watches. Sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. This is not about quietude so much as collection. It's not about meditation so much as considering. No one taught him this...
The idea that mentoring – which requires a significant time investment – is included in the list is admirable. As Robert Bly noted in Iron John, during the time that fathers and sons spend together, "we could say that a substance almost like food passes from the older body to the younger."
In other words, there is a hunger to spend time with older men in a mentoring relationship
On the other hand, there is also a considerable amount of what we learn that comes from the School of Hard Knocks.
My addition to the Esquire article would be to add that we do have someone who will mentor us if we will let Him. His Word teaches us how to be real men (and women) of God; however, like any good mentor, he will let you figure out things on your own.
* You can hear Eldredge explaining the scene from the movie Open Range here on the iTunes store. (Track #5).
Jason Brightwell is a fitness enthusiast and special education teacher from Glen Allen, VA. He attends Commonwealth Chapel and the Far West End Seventh-Day Adventist Church.
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