'Cause Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Sometimes, one a.m. really is the best time for reflective and deep conversations. While dog-sitting over the weekend, I was pleased to be joined by my good friend and single co-hort the Consultant for some company and Corona Lights on the back-porch. As we sipped our beers and listened to the heavy rain, eventually our conversation turned in a direction which it so often does: relationships.
We pored over romantic interests past and present. We analyzed many of our friends’ relationships (sorry). We picked our favorite parts of being an “us,” and decided upon the not-so-awesome nuisances and frustrations.
One of the most discouraging romantic nuisances, though, is the terrifying Break-Up, when your world seemingly comes to an end and your life soundtrack is punctuated by songs like “So Much for My Happy Ending” by Avril Lavigne (and no, I didn’t drive around listening to that song on repeat and crying my eyes out for hours after being dumped. I swear.) We all know that breaking up is hard to do, so why do we keep coming back again and again for more? There’s got to be some innate masochism going on.
I have spent countless evenings lending my shoulder to sobbing friends who just got dumped by the “loves of their lives.” There have been many a bottle of Pinot Grigio consumed, many episodes of Sex & the City watched, and many a photograph burned after having our hearts broken. The self-induced exile to your bedroom, the should-I-text-him game, the too-many-vodka-tonics after running into each other for the first time, the gallons of Ben & Jerry’s. All of these things are par for the course after a break-up. There is nothing fun about getting dumped. Period.
However, after several break-ups and relationship fizzle outs, I’ve come to realize that breaking up doesn’t have to be the most miserable thing in the world. In fact, it can actually present a fair amount of learning moments.
1. Wallow. But not for too long. Being bummed after a relationship ends is completely normal. Your bed becomes your best friend, your iPod gets set to sad, sappy country music and you drive your friends absolutely nuts with the over-analyzing and the what-ifs.
Pathetic? A little, but completely normal and healthy. What’s unhealthy is to let the break-up dominate your every thought. Don’t let post-break-up you become the new you. Wallow in your misery, listen to Al Green, watch sad movies. It’s okay to be miserable, but know you’ll eventually have to snap out of it. Besides, being happy is way more fun.
2. Look at the big picture. Do you remember where you were and what you were doing when you found out about the September 11th attacks? I was in second period trigonometry class. What about the last time you got dumped? Didn’t think so.
Your world may seem like it’s crashing down around you. All the plans you’d made for your future together are gone. And, who on earth will you take to that wedding next month? The reality is that this will be but a blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things. Sure, it seems like the end of the world now, but it’ll get easier with each passing day, month and year. And, you have that “someday” to look forward to when you realize this relationship was but a tiny fraction of your collective life experiences, good and bad.
3. Enjoy the “you” time. Losing your partner in crime can be painful, but flying solo has its advantages, too. It’s time to take your solo act public and finally get to do the things you wanted to but couldn’t while you were attached. Stay out late, flirt your heart out, pursue a hobby, get back to the gym, schlep around on a Saturday in nothing but a ratty old t-shirt, because you can.
4. Benefit from the criticism. You obviously broke up for a reason, and one or both of you was doing something wrong. Use your break-up as a learning moment and a chance to address some of your emotional flaws or weaknesses. Were you a little too needy and clingy? Start a new ritual of doing something twice a week completely for you, and honor that commitment. Too angry? Too insecure? Too jealous? Use this opportunity to better yourself for your next relationship, and most importantly, for your own personal benefit.
5. “This too shall pass.” One of my favorite (and one of the most true) mantras, remember that this too shall pass and time does, in fact, heal all. The most important thing to remember is that you were happy before you met this person and fell in love, and you’ll be happy again one day. The onset of feeling “normal” again is up to you. You can take this opportunity as a chance to wallow, whine and wish you were dead, or you can take it as an amazing opportunity to learn more about yourself.
Yes, breaking up is hard to do. But, you have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and keep on trucking. Leave yourself open to new possibilities. You never know what’s coming right around the corner.
Caroline is a 25-year-old single girl living in the Fan. She works in PR for a non-profit by day and moonlights as Richmond.com's dating columnist. To learn more about Caroline visit http://carolinesplate.com, on Twitter @carolinesplate, or you can most likely find her out in the Fan on a Friday night.
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