The Night of a Thousand Turkeys
If you are not scared, you aren’t paying attention.
Your mom is coming. Your mother-in-law is coming. That strange uncle that doesn’t own a cat but always smells like kitty litter is coming. It’s the holidays, my friends, and your family is about to set on you like a bat out of hell.
They are coming, and there’s nothing you can do.
Well, there’s one thing.
Actually, it’s the Hail Mary of all celebrations. It’s like the last cigarette before the firing squad. It’s the last supper before the holiday feast with all those relatives pointing their guilt gun at your head.
It’s The Night of a Thousand Turkeys.
The Night of a Thousand Turkeys is celebrated the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. It’s basically the last time you can do anything before all those family good times are stuffed down your throat like a kerosene soaked rag.
Historical Perspective: When did N1KT first start?
The Night of a Thousand Turkeys has been going on since the first Thanksgiving. Well, actually since the second Thanksgiving. Sure, the Puritans and the Native Americans were chilling. They put aside their blunderbusts and tomahawks and just sat down together ate some corn. But man, they really got sick of their relatives. All that closeness with the reunions and hugging and all. Dude, give me a break. During the last football game with their feet up on the ottoman, Squanto said to his main man, Capt. John Smith, "Why does your uncle smell like that?" Everybody knew that they needed a night out. So the next year they all hung out at the bar Wednesday night and a new Pre-Holiday Holiday was born.
Designation: Why is the holiday called N1KT?
Scholars are split on how the holiday got its name. One camp maintains that Squanto bragged he could kill a 1,000 Turkeys in one hunting trip. Another maintains that Capt. John Smith had a dream about 1,000 turkeys flying through the fall foliage. Most people say that both old Squanto and John were hitting the peace pipe in the first place. Therefore, they named the holiday as they did because they had a bad case of the munchies.
Availability: Do I have to hate my family to celebrate N1KT?
No, but it helps. So does honesty. N1KT isn’t about hate though. It’s more about discomfort. There are some hard-core followers that insist on turning their barstools upside down and sitting on the spokes. Thus, their discomfort reminds them of the discomfort they will experience during the holidays. Nobody hangs out with these losers too much though.
In the end though, just ignore the debate. What’s most important is that The Night of a Thousand Turkeys opens its arms for everyone. You see, most people have off from work on Thanksgiving Day, but they have to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving. You need a day off to recuperate. Why not spend this time with your kitty litter uncle?
Francis Decker is a freelancer for Richmond.com. He also teaches English at a local Richmond high school.
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