Top Five Swine Flu Risky Behaviors
It’s time to get real about the Swine Flu. No more half-assing this thing people, we’ve gotta get serious!
To truly battle this epidemic we can’t afford to pussyfoot around. Nobody should remain calm. Everybody panic! Close all the schools! Shoot all the pigs!
It’s them or us, gosh darn it! I don’t give a hoot how cute Babe is, I want action and I want it now! Execute him over a slow-roasting apple-wood fire and fork him over in smoked rashers! I’m scared and that builds up an appetite, so stop dawdling!
Here are some behaviors that should raise red flags.
It’s your duty, Richmonders, to attack anyone who exemplifies any of the following symptoms. Remember: loose lips not only sink ships, they lick the floor and are therefore easily susceptible to swine flu.
1. Being French:
They kiss all the time. Not only are they the inventors of the French Kiss, they both greet and say farewell to each other by kissing. Disgusting! French people can’t cross the street without kissing the crossing guard on the cheek! Twice! What if that crossing guard had swine flu all over his/her face? What if that crossing guard was a pig? They don’t care!
2. People with Runny Noses:
They don’t deserve to live. What an awful habit. I personally think the nose is the most disgusting organ on the human body. Some people think their nose is some kind of romper room. They’re always digging in with a finger, or slicking down their hair with that viscous-y fluid. I, however, hide my nose behind a gas mask like a true gentleman.
3. People Who Whistle:
Total Swine Flu carriers, without a doubt. All that spit spraying out, they’re just dying for you to catch what they got. Why are they so happy, anyway? I’ll tell you why. They’re happy because the end is nigh. They’re happy because they are bringing an end to life as we know it. If you hear someone whistling a happy tune you better run. Because believe me, they ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.
4. Anyone Enjoying the Baconator:
Yes, I know it’s a delicious burger. However, it’s a delicious burger that has about three pigs worth of bacon on it. Who knows where Wendy’s found all that bacon? What if the pigs they use are like suicide bombers, ready to detonate swine flu into your mouth? I’m sure all of you vegan hipsters hanging around Ellwood Thompson’s are feeling pretty smug right about now …
5. Purell Users:
If you see someone using copious amounts of hand sanitizer gel be suspicious. You might think that these people must be healthy and there’s nothing to fear. That’s exactly what they want you to think. Using hand sanitizers is basically an admission of guilt. Think about it: if you aren’t covered with disease already, why are you using so much Purell?
All joking aside, the swine flu is serious business and the vaccine shortage doesn't make it any easier. To find out more about vaccinations in Richmond City Schools and where you can find the H1N1 vaccine (it's not slated to be available to the public at large until at least mid-November), check out our story here.
Francis Decker is a freelancer for Richmond.com and he writes satirical pieces for Richmond.com. He teaches English at a local Richmond high school.
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