Super Bowl Faux Pas
It’s Super Bowl time, people! You know what that means don’t you? You can throw all the rules and regulations out the window.
A Super Bowl party is basically like the Thunderdome in a Mad Max movie. You have to shout to be heard over the din of the game, the cheering of the crowd and the inevitable fist fight that erupts.
While Miss Manners might have plenty to say about afternoon tea or an engagement party, she don’t know squat about a Super Bowl throw down!
You get to be as rude as you want. You get to say and do things that would be totally unacceptable at any other venue. Here are some tips on how to leave your mark on your party this year:
Real Football: Don’t wear a football jersey to the party. People who wear football jerseys to Super Bowl parties are like people who wear concert T-shirts to real concerts. You know the type: dorks. What you want to do is wear is a soccer jersey and speak in a faux British accent. Be sure to stand in front of the TV at a critical juncture in the game and yell "Real football is soccer, you wankers!" When someone pushes you out of the way, be sure to punt the bowl of Doritos into the faces of the crowd. They’ll love you for it.
Chip Diet: At the party, make a big deal about your new diet. Stand by the bowls of chips and snacks and talk loudly about how you don’t eat junk food anymore. Proclaim over and over that "Chips are for suckers!" and holler "My body is a temple!" while flexing your muscles. Then, pick up one of the bowls of dip (preferably French onion, but seven-layer will do) and walk around the party. Joining in on people’s conversations, ask if they’d like to go for a dip. When they smile, plunge your fore and middle fingers into the dip, raise them to your lips and suck on them loudly. Wipe any excess dip on your corduroy pants for poise. Then ask if they’d like "sloppy seconds." They might look taken aback at first. That’s OK. Remember: what is gross today is hilarious tomorrow.
Sex Sells: Take off your shirt at the beginning of half-time. When somebody asks you what you’re doing, tell them you’ve had a wardrobe malfunction. Then remind them that Feb. 1 marked the six-year anniversary of Janet Jackson’s nipple showing at Super Bowl XXXVIII. When The Who get on stage for the half-time show, yell "NIPPLE, NIPPLE, NIPPLE" at the top of your lungs. Be prepared: people will look at you oddly. But that’s OK, Roger Daltrey can read minds you know…
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