What Southerners Do Wrong in Winter Weather

The first time my boyfriend and I visited his parents in North Andover, Massachusetts, they experienced what looked and felt to me exactly like a blizzard.

We’d been in town no more than a day or two when it snowed. It started snowing late one evening and then it snowed for hours. It snowed through the night, into the morning, and kept snowing throughout the day. It snowed heaps and heaps of snow, it snowed sideways … heck, I think it might have even snowed up.

Coupled with very windy conditions and a temperature that I’m pretty sure was negative 14 degrees, and this southern girl thought for sure the town itself was going to cave in on itself.

Then something crazy happened … everything happened! Nothing in the town stopped because of the snow. Schools were open, businesses were open – people got up, cleared off their cars and went about their days … even though it was still snowing.

It was the craziest thing I ever saw, but not nearly as crazy as the looks I got when I suggested that we cancel our plans to walk through some quaint, freezing town square and instead start counting and rationing canned goods.

You see, I was dealing with New Englanders, and to New Englanders freezing, wet weather conditions just come with the territory, like those accents and a strange, obsessive love of foliage.

But in my time living with my New England boyfriend and traveling to his frigid homeland, I’ve learned a thing or two about surviving in winter weather. Mostly I’ve learned that I should probably do it his way, and not mine. See below.

Long Johns

Him: He seems to wear them for six months out of the year.

Me: I am not a lumberjack and therefore do not own any.

Cleaning off the Whole Car

Him: When my New Englander boyfriend cleans off the car, he cleans off the whole car: the top, the hood, the windshield, even the rearview mirror.

Me: I partially scrape off a space about the size of my face on the driver’s side windshield and periodically stop the car and peer out my rolled down window if I need to see any further.

Prepping to Clean Off the Car

Him: He wakes up an hour early in inclement weather, bundles up, and lets the car warm for 20 minutes before even starting on the snow and ice removal. Once the car is free from snow (see above), he leaves for work an extra 20 minutes early to allow plenty of time to drive cautiously on the icy streets.

Me: I get up late in inclement weather because I am too busy listening for the school closings even though I’m in my 30s and haven’t been a student in some time. Once I dress and leave the house, late (because what does one wear in a blizzard?), I arrive at my frozen car and whimper, then remove some snow (see above), get on the highway at regular speed and careen immediately into a ditch. More whimpering.

Layers

Him: He layers up in winter as though he’s required to wear everything he’s ever owned at all once. It goes like this: short sleeve T-shirt, long sleeve T-shirt, another short sleeve T-shirt, sweater. Then long johns (see above), jeans, possible snow pants, TWO pair of socks, water-resistant boots. And, of course, coat, hat, scarf and gloves.

Me: I dress pretty much the same year-around, save the footwear (strappy sandal in summer, adorable boot in winter) and the length of the sleeve and possible thickness of the top change too (sweater / long sleeve shirt in winter). Adorable jacket added when necessary.

Driving

Him: In inclement weather, he drives under the speed limit, with hands at 10-and-2 paying full attention to the road and leaving plenty of space between his car and other’s.

Me: I drive at normal speed (10 or so over) while narrating my white-knuckled drive into my cell phone. In the event that I’m being forced into my office, it normally goes something like this: Me: I’m on my way into the office now! I can’t believe we’re actually open today! I can’t believe – oh my god, I’m sliding! I’m sliding! My car is sl –. God, anyway, we should not be required to risk our lives to come into – oh my god! I’m sliding again! My car is sliding! Wait, someone just ran off the road. I need to take a picture for Twitter. Oh god! I’m sliding again!

Shopping

Him: His policy on shopping in inclement weather is that there’s no need to go to the store unless you would go to the store in normal weather, especially since no one has ever, technically, been snowed in (as in, unable to leave the house) in Richmond.

Me: Must stock up for Armageddon. We may be snowed in for weeks, or months! We might never get out again! Must buy every staple in triplicates. It doesn’t matter if I don’t drink milk; come the end of days it could be worth something, like gold!

What Southerners Do Wrong in Winter Weather

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