Everyone knows there are bad parking lots, and then there are BAD parking lots.
And we, of course, couldn't help but highlight a few of the really bad parking lots in Richmond.
Take a gander at these four danger zones. You’ll probably want to steer clear.
• Most Theatrical Parking Lot: Short Pump Cinema.
If you love traffic, you’re really going to love Short Pump. After the gauntlet of stop-and-go traffic that riddles Broad Street, you’re not going to feel any relief when you pull into the cinema parking lot. There are more entry points to this parking lot than most bee-hives. What you’re left with is a demolition derby of people fighting their way in or fighting their way out. Picture the parking lot equivalent of D-Day. I mean, how the heck am I supposed to reflect on my 25th viewing of “Avatar” with all that?
• Most Tofu-Induced Parking Lot: The Shops @ Ellwood-Thompson.
Ever heard of the Bermuda Triangle? This is the parking lot equivalent. Maybe the guy setting up this lot was just tripping on acid, but it is like an MC Escher painting. Yellow arrows point in twenty different directions at once, simultaneously pointing you towards and away from the angled parking spots. The arrows themselves look a bit like a combination between hieroglyphics and Sanskrit. Then there’s the clientele who frequent this parking area. You’ve got the hipsters all over the place, going to the Ellwood’s grocery store at the bottom of it and then to the new Ellwood’s coffee shop at the top. Meanwhile, the consignment shop – inhabited by and pretty much made for – elderly white people. I’m not an ageist but these folks aren’t exactly the best known drivers in the world. Finally, there’s the Blockbuster Video store. This place attracts kids over stimulated by sweets and violent movies who drive like they’re playing the most recent installment of the game "Grand Theft Auto." Yikes. If you make it out of this one alive – or at least relatively dent free – you’re luckier than most!
• Most Ironic Parking Lot: DMV on Broad Street next to the Science Museum.
You’d think that where people get their driver’s licenses would be safe. Whoever designed the lot tried to stuff too many spots in too small of a place. The result is that everybody has a knack for backing out at the same time.
• Most One-Stop Shopping: The Carytown Ukrops… er, make that Martin’s.
In the old Batman TV show of the ‘60s & ’70 Batman and Robin would tie up their criminal counterparts in what was known as “The Bat Pretzel”. This judo-sumo wrestling move rendered the crooks totally helpless. Indeed, Bruce Wayne said there are 100 ways out of the Bat Pretzel but only one way doesn’t result in a broken limb. Ergo, Carytown’s Martin’s. There are some exits that are One Way only. There are entry points that are One Way only. However, neither are located in a spot that is relatively convenient. Hey, wasn’t the Bat Cave disguised as well? I think the Batmobile had to stop and tug on a false fence post or something just to get in. Maybe this new Martin’s holds a lot more than just beer and groceries after all…
Which parking lots do you find the most difficult to navigate? Tell us about them on the Comments section!
Francis Decker is a freelancer for Richmond.com. He writes humor and satire pieces for our News & Views section. The opinions he expresses are his and not necessarily those of Richmond.com.
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