Guess What Richmond? You Passed the Test … Barely

Recently the Web site The Daily Beast did a study to find out the smartest and the dumbest cities in the United States. They used factors like the number of people with bachelor’s degrees and amount of nonfiction books purchased. They tallied up each category and awarded each city with cumulative IQ points.

The smartest city, with an IQ score of 170 was Raleigh-Durham.

The dumbest city, with an IQ score of 3 was Fresno.

The good news: Unlike in the Civil War, we didn’t finish last. Out of 55 metropolitan cities we finished 27th (tied with both L.A. and Pittsburgh) with an IQ of 100.

Not too shabby.

The bad news: Being number 27 means we landed flat in the middle of the bell-shaped curve. The big, fleshy part. I’m not trying to insult our fair city. At least we’re not borderline mongoloid like those morons in Fresno. But, don’t you think we can do better? I do.

Here are some tips of things that may help our future ranking.

1. The Nickel Bridge: It doesn’t cost a nickel. It costs 35 cents; or, put more plainly, seven times the amount of the name of the bridge. Anyone can see this fact besmirches our math skills. The only reason for this is to keep those Southside freaks on their side of the river. Everybody knows they can’t add. But there’s an easy solution for this problem: Only charge a nickel. Then, everybody (including those Southsiders who don’t know how to count anyway) will be happy. (This is a joke, people. A joke!)

2. Use of Turn Signals: Nobody in Richmond knows how to use them. They think that thing sticking out of the steering column is for the windshield wipers. Cars turn left and right with no warning at all. In fact, it’s a little known fact that the #1 thing said by Richmond drivers before they get into an accident is "Now hold my beer and watch this."

3. The Boulevard Columbus Statue: Ever wonder why Columbus is standing in front of the water reservoir near the tennis courts? What did the city planners think? That Columbus landed in Richmond’s main water source? Did sailors on the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria climb out of their ships and play a couple sets to loosen up? That’s ridiculous. Everybody knows Richmond was discovered by Gen. Robert E. Lee. That’s why there’s all those statues on Monument for God’s sake!

4. Proximity to West Virginia: Ah, our western brethren. The land of mountains, banjos and the great outdoors. Also the land of poor dental hygiene, strip mining and, to put it lightly, family trees with very few branches. How about digging a chasm and pushing those weirdoes a little farther west? Maybe then we could strip them of the name Virginians completely. Now if we could just stop those guys from showing up at the Richmond Folk Festival we’d be all set. (Again. Joke. Just in case you weren’t paying attention.)

5. NASCAR: I know it’s popular, I know it. But still. How hard is it to make a left turn again and again and again? I’m only guessing here, but not very. Plus let’s not forget that race cars don’t have turning signals. Maybe that’s the bad influence that’s pulling us down.

Francis Decker is a freelancer for Richmond.com. He also teaches English at a local Richmond high school.