Dos & Don'ts for Parents Taking Kids to Restaurants & Theaters

Our readers were loud and clear, it’s not the kids, it’s the parents – here are a few dos and don’ts, from Richmond.com readers to Richmond parents who are taking kids out about town.

Look, I get it. Parents are people, too. And people with kids want to go out and have fun just as much as those without, and certainly just as much as they did before they ever had any kids.

I also get that my generation (Gen-Xers) parents a little differently than their parents and grandparents did.

When I was growing up, it was perfectly acceptable to have adults-only nights, and I have vivid memories of my mother shoving me out of her living room Tupperware party by placing her foot directly on my adorable little face – the one that kept creeping around the corner again and again when told to GO AWAY.

My grandmother, who raised seven kids of her own and was not pleased to find herself constantly participating in the raising of 18 grandchildren, wouldn’t even let me in the house if the weather was nice and adults were talking. She certainly wouldn’t invite me to pull up a chair at the dining room table and weigh-in on one of my aunts’ marital troubles.

But my generation is different. We waited to have kids, we chose to have kids, many of us aggressively tried and paid a lot of money to have the kids we so desperately wanted and waited so very long to have (disclosure: When I say we, I mean them. I don’t have any kids).

For the parents of my generation, kids are at the table. They’re allowed in the house; they’re invited to the Tupperware party – heck, chances are that the Tupperware party has a kid-friendly theme and specialty demonstration designed just for tots!

And, it seems, they’re even allowed to weigh-in on adult conversations, as who knows if Little Timmy might offer some sage, adorable condolence over one of mommy’s friends’ divorce that’s worth Facebooking about later.

Yes, my generation seems to take their kids everywhere and want their kids included in everything, and to some degree, I’m OK with that.

I think it’s pretty cool that Friday Cheers, once a post-college-aged beerfest, is now a family-friendly summer music festival. That city parks, once abandoned to drug addicts and illicit stranger meet-ups, are now overrun with kids and dogs and parents and cyclists.

I like that my generation hasn’t given up on city life and independent restaurants and bagels at the neighborhood coffee shop – all to hideout in the suburbs, and I think we all (we city-dwellers without kids) should support it.

But the comments on my recent Richmond.com piece about a handful of restaurants (and movie theaters) across the country enacting No Kids Bans surprised me. Not so much because there was such an overwhelming response, between online comments, Facebook and Twitter, but more because there was such a vast divide in opinion.

When asked whether or not it was inappropriate to take kids to some restaurants or venues in some situations, there was a 50/50 split – and then a 50/50 split within a spit.

About half of respondents said no. Heck no, emphatically no! No way, never, ever, ever allow kids in restaurants meant for adults. We’ve had enough, they wrote, of screaming toddlers, flung Cheerios and dining rooms that look more like a playground than a restaurant.

Of the other half, half of those responses were tempered.

In certain situations, readers wrote, when kids are very young or it’s very late at night or a restaurant is very upscale, children should not be allowed. When they’re older, it should be a gradual, monitored introduction into finer dining. In the event that a child is in a restaurant or public place and that child acts out, they should be disciplined immediately and/or removed from the restaurant.

The other half of the half?

Well, frankly, those were my favorites. The specific language differed from post to post and Tweet to Tweet, but the general consensus was the same – too bad, was the sentiment. My child never misbehaves. Ever. My baby has never cried in public. Ever. If I want to take my three-year-old to an R-rated movie or prop my toddler up on the bar so I can do shooters at midnight on a Tuesday, I have every right. Every right! And I would ban any restaurant or movie theater that tried to ban me from doing either.

OK, clearly I have a bias here. And nobody wrote that last part, except people in the 50 percent in support of the ban as examples of what they had witnessed recently happen in Richmond (yes, a three-year-old in an R-rated film and a baby propped up on the bar), but you get what I’m going for.

Clearly, Richmonders are divided on this issue, but what was also clear, from pouring over the comments, was:

• A. Richmonders are pretty passionate about this topic.
• B. Nobody has an issue with well-behaved children dining in most restaurants.
• C. Everyone agrees that the responsibility ultimately belongs to the parents, not the child.
• D. Every reader of Richmond.com has a perfect child.
• E. Somebody’s lying.

The fact that half of our readers are passionately against small children in some restaurants and have vast, concrete examples of misbehaving children spoiling whole evenings for grownups is proof enough that somewhere, someone – a lot of someones – is doing it wrong. And in doing it wrong, they’re spoiling Richmond experiences for childless Richmonders, and the ones with well-behaved children.

That’s right, if the responses to our recent piece are any indication, parents with well-behaved children are fed-up as well. They’re sick of snide glances from other diners and irritated restaurant staff – all of whom are annoyed by the mere sight of children, before they’re even had a chance to misbehave or behave well.

So we decided, with our readers’ help, to come up with a helpful Dos and Don’ts list for parents who are taking small children to restaurants, theaters and beyond – for everyone’s sake.

If you have kids, take them out in Richmond and are already following these Dos and Don’ts (based on dozens of comments from parents, nonparents and restaurant staffers) then you’re in the clear. Rest easy that no one has an issue with your kid in public, and venue managers probably wish they could see more of you.

But if you see yourself in some of these Don’ts – shape up, before Richmond places follow the national trend of slapping on No Kids bans.

Dos & Don’ts for Parents Taking Kids to Restaurants & Theaters

Do keep your kids seated. This is one the biggest complaints I hear from restaurant owners, staff and other diners. Kids running freely through a restaurant is dangerous for them, distracting to other diners and irritating to the restaurant staff. Keep them in their seats. If you can’t, take them outside. If that doesn’t work, they’re not ready for sit-down dining yet. Practice at home and in less formal restaurants until they are. 

Do order from the menu. This is the other frequent complaint I hear from restaurant folks. If your kid is old enough to eat solid food, order it from the restaurant. Bottles and baby food from home is fine, Happy Meals and outside solids are not. A restaurant is in the business of serving paying customers their food. If your kid only eats burgers or grilled cheese, take them to a restaurant that offers what they can eat. Period. (Rare expectations for severe allergies or special needs children with development food issues are OK in kid-friendly restaurants But these are very rare.)

Don’t take up an extra table. When you eat in a restaurant you’re effectively renting your table for the hour or two that you’re there. If the restaurant’s table settings / condiments are in the way, ask your server to move them. Do not arbitrarily dump extra or unwanted items / plates on neighboring tables because you felt compelled to bring the Barbie dream home plus thirteen accessories into the restaurant to keep your four-year-old entertained for an hour.

Do find out if a restaurant is kid-friendly. How do you know? Call and ask! Look up their menu online. If they have a kid’s menu, they’re kid-friendly. If they don’t, they’re not. A place that serves $25 entrees and does not offer a kid’s menu is most likely an inappropriate restaurant to take a child – and the restaurant is trying to tell you that by not offering a kid’s menu.

Don’t go to non kid-friendly restaurants anyway (see above). And then ask that they make you special food not on the menu at a discounted price to accommodate your child. Even if they have pasta and butter in-stock and you feel you’ve calculated an appropriate cost for that invented entrée.

Do go to kid-friendly restaurants. And know that it’s not your problem if your children are well-behaved and other diners are still cutting you glares. A restaurant with a kid’s menu, kid’s toys (like crayons) and kid’s discounts nights is kid-friendly. In this economy, it might not have been a year ago, but it is now. If the restaurant owners are going out of their way to market themselves to families, ignore surly staff and annoyed fellow diners; they’re the ones to complain about, not you and your well-behaved child.

Don’t let your kid act-out. A crying baby, a whining toddler, a yelling seven-year-old – these are not to be tolerated, by anyone. Deal with it quickly and outside. If you can’t, have your food packed to-go and let other diners enjoy their meal in peace. And keep in mind, a stranger’s tolerance for your crying child is likely lower than your own.

Do remember this includes all restaurants. Several readers mentioned chain and express restaurants (those restaurants in between drive-thru fast food and table service – think Chipotle, Jason’s Deli). If your child is having a tantrum and throwing things, even if it’s a chain restaurant, they’re affecting other diners, who have just as much as you do to enjoy a peaceable meal. Just because these types of restaurants are aggressively kid-friendly doesn’t mean anyone should have to deal with bad behavior.

Do sit with your kids. Don’t think this happens? It happens. More and more parents, usually couples, are requesting their children (usually kids ages eight to teenagers) be seated at a separate table so the adults can enjoy their meal in peace. If you don’t want to deal with your kids, don’t make the server and the restaurant as a whole deal with them.

Don’t take your kids to a bar … or a place that’s primarily a bar and if your primary goal is drinking. If the comments are any indication, this is happening constantly. Constantly. Children sitting at the bar, parents dumping them at gaming stations to drink further down the bar or, as I’ve seen, seating them at bar tables so the parents can enjoy drinks in another part of the restaurant. No, Richmond, no.

Do respect your hosts. Richmond.com recently ran a piece on theater etiquette, mentioning a show that requests children under a certain age not attend the performances, and some of the commentators stated that they reject the policy and plan to bring small children anyway. If your host says no kids, don’t bring kids.

Do prepare your kids for the experience. This advice came from a lot of our Mom readers. Tell your kids what’s expected of them in a restaurant and hold them to it. Reward good behavior. Punish bad.

Don’t take your kids to an R-rated movie. Just don’t. Films with R-ratings are generally rated such due to extreme violence or explicit sexual situations. At best, your child’s presence makes other patrons uncomfortable and therefore distracts them from the film; at worst your child actually acts out and creates a disturbance, which could have been avoided had you not taken your child into a film made for adults in the first place.

Do clean up after your kids. Everyone makes a mess in a restaurant, but if your child spent the duration of the meal chucking Splenda packets throughout the restaurant, pick them up! If you’re rushing out to deal with other bad behavior and don’t have time to clean up, tip extra.

Do know where you’re going. A fine dining / special occasion restaurant is just that – a spot for special occasions, and spending a little more. People do this for an experience – for the restaurant, the service, the food. These are not places for small children.

Do get a babysitter. I say this especially to my generation (Gen-Xers) of parents. The ones who want their kids included in everything and are having a difficult time figuring out that line between friend and parent. It’s OK to go out on your own. It’s OK to have adults-only time. It’s OK to leave the kids at home. In fact, it’s good. For both you and the kids. So if you want to go to a bar, to a fine dining restaurant, to see an R-rated film, to hit up happy hour, to take in the theater, to do dinner and after-dinner drinks until well-past bedtime – I say do it! You deserve it. But leave the kids at home. If you can’t, if you can’t find a babysitter or afford it or don’t feel like going to the trouble … well you have 18 years to save up, and I’m happy to have dinner at your place in the meantime.

Agree? Disagree? Did we miss anything? Tell us in the comments below.